Jokes.

[bindeweede]

An elderly man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really?" answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

[bindeweede]

50 Shades Of Tory


His fantasies had grown darker and he longed to experiment with more extreme forms of pain and humiliation. "I'm joining Ukip", he announced.

[Croydon13013]

"Benjamin Button who?"
"Benjamin Button."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."

[chaggle]

"Benjamin Button who?"
"Benjamin Button."
"Who's there?"
"Knock knock."

Had to google it. Shouldn't have had to.

[bindeweede]

[polomint38]

A joke that gets upgraded every time windows is.

[Tony Williams]

A pedant's joke:

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"To"
"To who?"
"It's to whom, actually"

[bindeweede]

It was a few days before Christmas and Santa thought that he would go and check on the Reindeer.
2 of them had run away, 2 of them were pregnant and all the leather harnesses had been nibbled on by mice.
He went to check on the toy factory and most of the elves were absent without leave and those that were there had such bad hangovers that they were basically useless.
Feeling the need to fortify himself he went to his cupboard and reached in to bring out his jug of rum. The handle broke and the jug hit the floor and smashed.
At this precise moment there was a knocking on his door and he opened it to find a fairy holding a Christmas tree who said 'where would you like me to put this Christmas tree'?
This is why we have a fairy on top of the Christmas tree.

[bindeweede]

Despite recent controversy, Muirfield golf course remains one of most scenic in the country, with views dating back to Victorian times.

[bindeweede]

Farridge and Mayhem. A couple of dubious solicitors? Nobody would accept it.

[bindeweede]

Not really a joke, but it doesn't deserve its own thread, I think.

A clue from the crossword in today's Independent. 7 down.

Clue - "One tweeting a description of Boris Johnson. (4,3)"
Answer - "blue tit" :rofl

[bindeweede]

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

[bindeweede]

- I have 3 kids thanks to homeopathy.
- Did you have homeopathic fertility treatment?
- No, homeopathic contraception.

(Yes, coat time..... ..)

[Tony.Williams]

An old one, but still good:

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the
mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the
Swiss.

Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the
lovers Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

[polomint38]

I came home from the auction with a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett, while my brother bought a signed photo of Ronnie Barker.

So it was a good buy from me, and a good buy from him.